Sure you’ve heard about how coyotes will gnaw at their own paws if they get caught in a hunting trap. Animals that would rather flee than attack become the wildest beasts when fighting to protect their lives.
I’ve always thought that I was strong enough. That I had character. That I could fight my battles. But I can’t. It’s not that I’m weak, but that when the battle is til death I stop. When something big it’s a stake I just cower or flee. I can’t achive my goals because I never pursue them til the end.
I’m so confused. I feel so weak, so vulnerable. So depressed. I feel like nothing’s worth fighting for anymore. I’m so sick of hearing all the time that everything can hurt me. That I’m not supposed to live my life the way I used to, because now everything is potentially dangerous for me. I can’t be blind to all now. I’ve got to be sure that everyone that’s by my side it’s really on my side. Because I need help more than ever. Because even if I don’t feel weak my body is. And everything can hurt me.
My family supports me, but just til some extent. I feel mom does it as a payback for all that she did wrong this years. Taking care of me is her way of saying she’s sorry. And my father is so depressed as well, that he can’t even imagine how ban I am. But deepdown they’re just children, and they’re scared. They can’t even understand how I am dealing with all this stuff. My disease, their behaviour, my work, my failed career…this gets harder every time. They can’t even imagine the way I feel. And sometimes I feel like they don’t want to.
He is the only one there. But he cannot understand either. But he’s trying. At least now he’s trying.