“What if I wanted to Break?”

There are only two strong feelings breeding right now in my gut, both product of my lack of patience.
 
Fear and Rage.
 
Fear ‘cause this is something unknown, ‘cause even after a week of feeling sick, of being unable to perform my daily routine, I don’t have any ideas of what is this shit, of why is this happening to me, of what this will do to me, and of when am I going to get any better.
 
And Rage, ‘cause I feel like some huge cat pacing on an invisible cage. The only thing I can do is sit and wait. Lay down and cross my fingers, hoping for the best result. I can’t even work. I’ve been like five minutes here and I know I need some rest already.
 
It all started about a week ago,  last wednesday. I was feeling dizzy, and I thought it was a consequence of my lack of sleep. Get up 5:30. Go to school. Work my ass off all day. Eat at 3:00 pm. Go to work at 4:00 pm. Get my ass a little worked up as well. Get out at 9:00 pm. Arrive at home at 10:00 pm, and it’s when the fun starts. Eat something, bathe, do aaall the pending homework and go to bed at 2:00 am. It’s the only way I can get all my stuff done.
 
After a couple of days of feeling all weird and dizzy my mom and my boss practicaly made me go to see the doc. Which was an ass. He gave me some pills and the day after that I was feeling kinda worse. With Vertigo, unable to walk on the street on my own.
 
On saturday morning I started seeing weird shit. Can’t focus my eyes, I have double vision.
I spent all weekend on my house, couldn’t get out with my friends, couldn’t do homework.
I’m failing, why am I failing?
 
Since monday I’ve spent most of my time between doctors and medical stuff. I went to see two eye doctors, and it seems that one of the nerves on my right eye is paralyzed by some pressure inside. And later on it turned out both my eyes are bad, but it’s only my right eye which gives me trouble. It doesn’t really matters. I can’t even walk alone on the street, I can’t even take the fucking bus, and I shouldn’t be here. I can’t get school work done.
 
People doesn’t understand or believe the way I feel. Vertigo, big deal. Anything that makes you work in a lesser level than what is expected is fucked up. Other people has told me that it is a signal, that usually this kind of shit happens for a reason, and that maybe is a way to let me know that I have to slow down.
 
FUCK IT UP.
 
I don’t wanna slow down. I’m two months away from finishing school. University.
Why did this had to happen right NOW?
 
It’s some neurological matter. Later today I’m gonna have some other studies done. They’re gonna put some stuff inside my veins and take some x-rays of my head. And if there’s nothing wrong in there they’re gonna take some other x-rays and if there’s nothin still they’re gonna pinch me with needles (which I hate) in a spinal tap.
 
Sure I’m scared, but more than that I’m all pissed off. Because things aren’t coming out the way I planned. And I feel so tired of doing nothing, just sitting there, on a different waiting room, to hear the same stuff over and over. I guess I cannot complain, ‘cause it’s been only a week, but it’s hell ‘cause I’ve never been this sick before. Really, I’ve got to do everything with style, even get some exotic disease that beats the doctors.
 
Bleh.
Gotta go now. Stupid eyes are aching.
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2 Respuestas a ““What if I wanted to Break?”

  1. QUERIDA CLARICE:
     
    Se ahora que estas sintiendo loque he sentido yo por años estando en esta celda, sin una sola ventana, sin poder ver siquiera los rayos del sol, es eso; una prision.  Estas aprisionada en tu propio cuerpo y en tu propio malestar, pero no quieras comerte el mundo en un dia, falta mas por vivir, mas por sufrir y, ojala para ti, mas por reir.  Acaso eres la misma joven Agente de hace algunos años?, No Clarice, has cambiado, soportas ahora mas de loque en tiempos pasados soportabas,eres mas fuerte y madura de lo que habias sido, tu estas empezando a descubrir la vida (yo en cambio solo espero mi condena…) entonces porque no soportar ahora este breve episodio patologico tuyo?  Donde esta esa arrogante Agente Especial Starling que he conocido a traves de este blog?  Stupid eyes ? Y que si no los tuvieras?
     
    Quid pro Quo Clarice…
     

  2. Your days, you say they\’re way too longand your nights, you can\’t sleep at allhold on…And you\’re not sure what you\’re waiting for, but you don\’t want to no more…And you\’re not sure what you\’re looking for, but you don\’t want to no more…Fear and rage? C\’mon, they\’re something you struggle with almost everyday and you get over it every time. Just breathe and remember you don\’t have to go through it all alone. Hope you get well soon.

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